Friday, May 23, 2008



Not really, no.

Have I said before how surreal it all is?

I don't like using that word, it's a cop-out, lazy, word but can't think of any other way of describing it. Never before has something been so potentially near, but equally as potentially disappointing, and increasingly likely disappointing as the days go on, in terms of progress in writing career. Never before have I had to deal with psychiatric illness at such close quarters, in such beautiful surroundings with such a lovely, gorgeous teenage helpmate at my side. I am not sure any more if I'm helping to cure or helping to prolong it all. If I wasn't here what'd happen? The professionals have been called in again and again all that's in hand but nothing much is being DONE. This has now been topped up by weird behaviours from my closest relative, who suffers from schizophrenia and is now calling me daily and texting nonsenses. Last night I retreated into the bathroom on my own wondering what the hell I do and that old chestnut, what have I done to deserve these double-whammy hits over the head with mental illness?


Lucy Diamond said...

Oh no, this sounds really stressful. I hope you've got some supportive friends you can offload a bit onto - if you are having to be the coper and the carer, then you definitely need some support and tlc too. Sorry to hear things are tough. take care of yourself when possible xx

Anne Brooke said...

I'm not really sure what to say, but I'm thinking of you loads. Hugs and stuff. Please try and make time for some nice things, for you.


Mya said...

You sound really low - I'm sorry. It seems you are stressed from all angles. Try and take time for yourself, a stroll or run around your lovely garden might help a little. Sorry, I'm not much help - but I'll be thinking of you and sending some positive vibes over.

Mya x

Amanda Mann said...

Thank you! It was a bit of a low point but all quiet on the phone front and things much calmer here. Hopefully another one of those pits you have to reach the bottom of before you can start the climb out again.

liz fenwick said...

Pleased your are feeling a bit better. Sending more hugs. x

pundy said...

There's no getting away from it - mental illness is a nightmare. My mother was a schizophrenic and see was my burden until she died by which time I was fifty-five. And had plenty of good times and tho' I never loved her I pitied her. What had she done to deserve her illness?

There's no easy answer but I hope you still see rays of sunshine even when it's raining.

Amanda Mann said...

My mother too, though it only came on later in final 15 or so years of her life. 'What has she done to deserve her illness?' Such a good, kind way of looking at, what can so often be, in these cases, utter nightmare situations. It's the first recurrence for about 8 years, and only because medication was stopped, there's somebody overseeing that now and I think we're through.

genevieve said...

Oh, Amanda, that is a tough deal. I can only offer my sympathy from thousands of miles away, and add that sometimes I have the 'why me?s' too, over my kids' epilepsy and the autism one of them endures. It is not the same of course, but all we can do is be there for each other, hey?
Sometimes you just have to get through the next five minutes. And hope the following ten (or five hundred) will be better!!